In all seriousness, I really do have problems. I shall call them part of the cloudiness, the mass of mental sickness that is taking place in my mind. When the cloudiness first showed up, I refused to mention it to anyone. I would maybe let on that I was possibly depressed, but let people know that I suddenly realized that the guy next to me was reading my mind? Or that my roommate had a camera in our room so she could spy on me? Or that I would hallucinate while talking to my friends so that I would hear them say awful things about me to my face?
Let me tell you how lovely these are. I came to realize that none of them were true at all (except that camera, only one I can't prove to be wrong; and I say this in a completely comical, not-serious manner), but it still made them difficult to deal with, especially when they began to affect the conversations I would have with my friends.
Which, seriously, guys? All that shit happened and you still were surprised to find out that Little Water here is a crazy head?
Many of the things I say sound ridiculous, like how my dad is a pothead, or how my sister gets the blood beat out of her whenever she's with her baby daddy, but they are true! What sick freak would make shit up like that?! And who would make up hallucinating fairies going through their stuff? Or that someone took a dump on the bridge?
I'm not smart; by all means, I may even be an idiot, but if I lie, it is either obviously intentional to make someone else in the wrong, or it is a lie without my knowledge.
Yet people always act like I'm lying. I can read the body language, I notice the slight head tosses and rollings of the eyes. I can see your eyebrow twitch, and hear your voice widen. I'm one of the best physical language readers I've ever met (which is ironic because I can't even figure out what I'm screaming at myself in my own head).
It's because of this that I don't talk about the cloudiness anymore. I'm having problems, but when I mention them, I get dismissed. I know... I know better than this, but I *know* that I changed the speed of time. Like, it's in my head, it's what I think, but while I know it can't be true, it's a truth in my head. And it scares me. I don't know how stable it is anymore, but I do know that because of my own stupidity I'm gonna be old and dead any moment now. Minutes are now mere seconds, and my ability to complete tasks in a timely manner is shot. My mind is moving at the same old, normal speed, but my body, the world, the time, it's going on faster than ever. And yet no one has noticed.
It's embarrassing to talk about this, but it's absolutely insulting and aggravating to confide in someone and then to be dismissed like I'm craving attention. I don't even want to talk to my counselor about it.
But it is time for me to go.
"If it weren't for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no song." -Carl Perkins
