The other night, my boyfriend, Chief, and my friend, Neonate, and I were making pizzas in the kitchen of my dorm. While we were eating and watching TV, Neonate said "Wanna hear a racist joke about a black woman?" I'll spare you the joke, but as he finished, a black woman had walked right by us.
The other day, one of my professors approached me as I was on my way to class. He said "Are you ready to roll?" I responded with "I don't know about rolling. I don't have wheels." He walked away.
I share a bathroom with six or seven other girls. One of them I call the Ice Bear. I do not actually know which of the girls she is, but I do know that she likes it cold in the bathroom. She and I have been battling it out over the thermostat. When I get done showering, I like to be able to comfortably dry myself off and leave. It would seem, though, that when she gets done showering, she likes for all the water to freeze before she can dry it off, and then have her pointy nipples rip through her towel. That's how cold she keeps changing the thermostat to. This weekend was a three day weekend due to Monday being Labor Day, and it would seem she went home. Friday I had once again turned up the thermostat, and it remained on that temperature the entire weekend. Last night around ten, I had checked it again, and it was still at a cozy seventy five. When I went to shower at six thirty this morning, however, there were icicles hanging from the toilets. So I decided to outsmart her: I just turned the thermostat off. I can't believe I didn't think of it sooner. The heat from the hall and the showers will warm the bathroom up, but she'll always see that it's at that perfect blood-freezing temperature.
My boyfriend left his deodorant here, so I did the creepy girlfriend thing and smeared a little of it on my pillows so they'll smell like him.
The other day, I walked down a hall in my building where freshmen reside. One of the white boards had "Congrats on the butt!" written on it.
I recently got to retell a story of my dad's texting abilities. Two years ago, I had texted my dad a happy birthday. I received the following four texts as a response:
[jumbled letters]
[blank text]
[jumbled letters]
[fuck]
If you're so angry that you are actually performing better, a new Rome shall be built before sundown.
"In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep you must above all be a sheep oneself." -Albert Einstein
